I'll get the ball rolling here with a politically incorrect suggestion.

If you work a bar or club gig, play whatever music is going to get the pretty girls dancing and having a great time. The guys will complain about your music, but be friendly to them and don't play their requests. Here's why: we blokes are just simple enough to want to watch fit girls while we drink our beer or Bourbon, even if we hate the music. The girls however will go somewhere else if the music is not to their liking and the guys will follow them.

Yes folks, we men really are that pathetic. It's applying that exact principle that has seen me as the resident DJ at the Turoa Ski Lodge in New Zealand for 13 consecutive ski seasons. Here are some pictures.

So what's your best advice for other DJs?

My best bit of advice?

Never go-without food before or after a gig.
Passing out at the wheel would be bad enough let alone during a gig!!!!

my best advice ive ever been given: beware of ads!!!!!

You cant please all the people all the time, but you can please most of the people some of the time.

Beware of approaching fat 60 year old woman wearing lycra who have a taste for Mobile DJ's

But seriously...

'Be nice to people on the way up, because you may find yourself working for them on your way back down again'

and

'Always carry a safety pin for when your trouser zip bursts'

And

'A £5 can of tyre weld is better, faster and cleaner than changing a flat tyre in your Suit on the way to a Wedding'

my best advice (to my self) never leave the dju meetings beered up for other extra curriclar activities in err specific venues (your bank card wont enjoy it)

IF ITS NOT BROKEN THEN DONT FIX IT ...........

can lead to all sorts of trouble when trying to setup for a gig.....

Think before you speak!

Don't eat yellow snow

Never connect more than 3200watts of lighting to a single wall socket, either directly or via one or more mains adaptors.

Never replace fuses with tin foil, nails, padlock keys(seen it done) etc. The fuse is there to protect you.

If you're extended the courtesy of actually being told that you're sharing the venue with another act (eg: a band. GET THERE FIRST)

Dont drink more than 2 pints of beer before/whilst performing - the odd little slurr or tripped over word will be noticed.

Dont ask girls whether they died all their hair blonde three weeks ago, or did they just die the roots brunette last night?

Register your business earnings with the Inland Revenue immediately when things seem to be getting regular and profitable, and definately BEFORE you advertise - The tax man has a copy of Yellow Pages, Internet Access, Local papers, and even wanders past newsagents window adverts, just like all your potential hirers. Inland revenue staff get invited to weddings too.

Dont bother with smoke, haze or strobes anymore - even if your punter wants them, the chances are, the venue wont.

Do keep spares of as much equipment as you can.

Dont bother with tri-fibre/semi-flight record/CD cases - they dont last anything like the same as proper flightcases.

If you have more than one of anything - number it. eg: Deck 1 / Deck 2.... its so much easier to spot trends and "intermittent" failings. eg: Scanner # 1 blew a bulb again - it blew one a month ago too... if you had 4 unlabeled scanners you'd not spot that trend all that quickly.

Research any purchase carefully.

Dont bother buying any new kit just before September. PLASA is in this month and is where all the manufacturers tend to preview their new releases of kit. Even if you dont want the new items that are launched at the show. Any new item will send a downward price ripple to all existing kit in that same product group. eg: When a moving head unit with 32 gobos and 6 wheels appears on the scene for £300 each from a reputable manufacturer, the existing 16 gobo 2 wheel units wont be able to carry on selling for £400 each.

Never eat the buffet if its a "each family member bring something" type buffet.

Dont say "funk" on the microphone - someone will mis-hear you (mind you, the fact that this word rhymes with a certain other word, is what Black-eyed Peas cashed in on recently)

Save some classics for the end of the night, as this can make or break people perseption of the evening.

Dont talk at the people, talk to them try to drop that wall between to dj and people, were all the same

More lights and effects and power will NOT make the night any better!

If its not going the best, dont be disheartened, play music that they can tap there toes at, or sing along to.

Leave in good time for a gig, and take back up, forget the lighting, most important is the music.

Oh and dont go for the cheapest option, it will pay you back for buying quality, especally mixers, cd players, spk, and amp's

And last if not least smile!!!!!!

Don't drink and drive. It's not just you on the road It's the other drivers who cause the accidents!!

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Sorry think you already knoew taht one.

You get what you pay for

The 1 hour before and after the gig will get you more bookings that the four hours between

Carry Back up

Please the girls, girls dance, blokes will join in, girls don't dance guys will drink

Never trust Chris Shepard when there is a video camera around

Join the AA/RAC/Green Flag

Nobody will do your job as well as you will do it

Don't buy Paula a Barcadi, it will lead to another, and another........

Arrive early, if anything happens on the way you have time to sort it out

Set up early, if anything happens you have time to sort it out

If it a slow do, put your watch 5 minutes fast

Trust No-one

All that glitters is not gold

Write cheques in red, and fold them both ways, it takes longer to process them

And the best bit of advice I can give anyone, especailly under 30's is remember what 11th November is all about, know what Juno, Sword, Gold, Omaha etc means, so respect those over 60, because without them you wouldn't be reading this. Nothing to do with any of the above, but put everything else in the shade.

If there is a cake of some kind at the function, make sure you switch out of autopilot and don't call it a birthday cake if it's a Holy Communion Cake! Doh

I think this has been my most embarassing moment so far. But with a quick recovery everyone thought it was hillariously funny and understood that having annouced the cutting of 3 birthday cakes in 48 hours it was bound to happen.

I just wanted the ground to swallow me up

- take a few mints with you on the day of the gig - especially meeting new clients?